Midwinter, but this is not the end of me

Darkest day of the year.  Exactly 3 months post op.  Exactly 3 months to go to my first day back running, Lord willing.  So, this is the bottom, and it’s been dark sledding lately.  The Lord has been merciful with His reminders of how blessed and rich I am.  I try with varying fervor day after day to repent of my ingratitude, and probably years from now I’ll read this over and it will seem completely silly.  I mean, it’s only running.  Come on.  Feels like there is more to it, though.  Over the last several years running has become so much a part of my identity that I feel pretty empty without it.  Here I’m 5 years from 50 and I don’t really have anything to show for my career.  I haven’t accomplished anything noteworthy and every large endeavor I’ve undertaken in recent years in my work has pretty much failed.  Getting out on a track or a set of hills and pushing hard, that’s when I feel the most alive.  I can run pretty fast.  Not world class or anything, but faster than most folks.  At least I got that going for me, or did have.

There was a time when I was known by my peers for my faith in Jesus Christ more than anything else, more than academic achievements or running or other relationships.  There was a time when I said, “100% for Jesus,” and I meant it with all my heart and made choices according to that passion the very best I could.  For sure my faith has grown deeper and more mature in many ways over the last three decades.  In many ways I am a better, more complete follower of Jesus than I was as a teenager.  Over the last few months, however, especially as the Lord was taking my running away from me, I think the passion in my heart for the Lord has cooled.  This is not a good state of affairs, I think.  If I read the Scriptures right, the Lord is a lot more concerned with my heart of passion for Him than He is with the knowledge in my head.  These days, the lows are not as low, the spiritual failures are not as black or frequent as they were then, but the highs are not as high, either.  Sometimes it just feels like the love is not there as it once was.  I think I feel the Lord stirring revival in my heart, though.  Amen, come Lord Jesus.

One of the unforeseen side effects of adopting Lulit has been meeting Ethiopian people in our community from time to time.  I think all international adoptive families are encouraged to try to keep in touch with their child’s country and culture of origin, but I honestly thought that with our busy lives with three other children the chances would be about nil that we would actually do anything in this regard.  I have to give Kay credit, however.  She has tried to find these kinds of opportunities for us.  Meeting Kassa’s family, however, seems extraordinarily and especially orchestrated by God Himself.  We met them because our 5^th grader is in class with their daughter, and finally in recent weeks we have been getting to know them better.  They came over to our house recently.

Kassa was brought up in an Orthodox home in eastern Ethiopia where he was taught to stay away from evangelical, protestant Christians.  They had a “different” Jesus, he was told, and he should just hang on to the traditions of the Orthodox Church.  Nevertheless, as his acquaintances again and again turned his attention to the Scriptures he finally could not escape this Jesus who was not distant, was not hidden behind layers of priests and traditions, was not unknowable, but in reality is active and present and personal.  In more recent days he has heard the call of God to move his family from San Diego to Olathe to plant churches on both sides of the state line.  And he is one of the warmest and kindest souls I have ever met in addition to being absolutely uncompromising about the truth of Christ’s gospel (his bumper stickers say, in English and Amharic, “Ignoring Jesus is choosing hell.”)  Salty!

My wife was telling Kassa and Tigist some of the hard struggles we have had with Lulit the last 2-1/2 years.  As wonderful as it has been to bring Lulit into our family, it has also involved a significant amount of sacrifice.  It’s been especially hard on Kay, and she has had some tough days.  Ever the preacher (very much in a good way), Kassa said, “When I have been up against struggles and disappointment in my life, I have told myself, ‘This is not the end of me,’” reminding us that Christ has already won the victory.  No matter what happens, the outcome of this story is known.  We win because Jesus won.  This is not the end of me.

Kassa’s words ran through me with new hope.  A great reminder.  I’m still struggling with not running, doubts about whether or not I’ll ever run the way I want to ever again, worries about my career future and how I will continue to provide for my family in the years to come, and general feelings of disappointment with myself as having amounted to not much.  All this is balanced on the other side, of course, with wonderful things happening in the lives of my kids and the rich relationships I enjoy with them, and above all with faith.  Probably not very good faith, but some faith.  The racing shoes will stay up high in the closet for some time to come, but I gotta believe:  in faith, in family, in work and even in running, this is not the end of me.

Bad Bad Bad News for a Runner

Got the following report on the morning of June 7.  Ironically, perhaps mercifully, I won the Corporate Challenge Mile race for my age group the same evening in a respectable time of 4:58.0.  But the following has really been sinking in hard this week  I guess it explains a lot about my running (pain) this spring.

Exam: MRI of the left knee without contrast.

Indications: Recurrent left knee pain with joint clicking.

Technique: Routine MRI of the left knee using standard image sequences.

Findings:
Comparison is made with the prior MRI from St. Joseph's Medical Center dated 1/27/2009. There are surgical changes of an ACL reconstruction. The graft is intact.
There is attenuation and irregularity of the posterior horn and body of the lateral meniscus. Previously the meniscus appears intact. Although the findings may reflect a partial lateral meniscectomy, a recurrent tear is a consideration, particularly if there had been no prior meniscectomy. There is high-grade partial-thickness chondral irregularity along the weight-bearing surface of the lateral femoral condyle and lateral tibial plateau. On the cartilage sensitive sequences there is an unstable appearing chondral flap along the lateral margin of the lateral femoral condyle. There appears to be fluid undercutting of the cartilage in this region. The chondral abnormality measures approximately 11 mm
anterior to posterior x 12 mm transverse. There is reactive marrow edema signal involving the lateral margin of the lateral compartment with early arthrosis and subchondral cyst formation in the lateral tibial plateau. The medial meniscus is intact.
The posterior cruciate ligament is preserved. The collateral ligaments and extensor mechanism are intact. There is mild chondromalacia along the lateral patellar facet.
There is a physiologic amount of joint fluid. The muscle signal intensity is normal.
The proximal tibiofibular joint is intact.

Impression:
Development of irregularity along the inner margin of the posterior horn and body of the lateral meniscus since 2009. The findings are most suspicious for meniscectomy changes, however, if a meniscectomy has not been performed then this represents a lateral meniscal tear. Moderate lateral compartment arthrosis. There is a 12 mm high-grade partial-thickness chondral flap involving the lateral margin of the lateral femoral condyle. There is fluid undercutting this chondral defect suggesting an unstable chondral tear.

Electronically Signed By: Xxxxx, M.D., Xxxx
Signed on: 05/20/2011 08:15:38

Non-Zero Log Entry

Dear Diary,

Today I have something to tell you that I think I can tell you only. Well, some of my hard-core running buddies might get it. Todd the Ultra Man, Nick the Natural and Trevin the Undertaker would understand probably. But my Orthopedic Surgeon, my Physical Therapist and definitely my Wife would not get it at all and might call me an April Fool.

A few weeks ago Brian (PT) told me that I could probably start doing some jogging at 8 weeks post op (i.e., TODAY), and I latched onto that statement like a starved Rottweiler latches onto a Kansas City Strip. Well, as the date was approaching last week I conferred with Dan (Surgeon) who told me that I should wait until about week 12 but conceded that running does not put too much stress on the ACL. I sorta hinted that maybe if I went real slow and not very long on a very stable soft surface maybe it would be OK. He said that he "shouldn't probably give me too much rope," but did sorta wink and nod... Brian told me yesterday to please wait until week 10 and not to start until I could do it the first time with him helping me.

Well, tonight instead of only swimming I did a little triathlon: 900 yards swim, 20 minutes on the stationary bike, and then after some walking about 1/2 mile "run." I guess it was more of a jog, and it wasn't pretty, but... it felt good to "run" again. Very good. And for the first time in over 2 months I can put an entry in the running log. Thank God.

Sin to Listen to Jackson Browne?

It occurred to me the other day as I found “The Pretender” CD in my car’s console that it would feel good to settle down into its melancholy spirit as I was going down the road (“lookin’down the road, I don’t know where I been”), because it would well match my mood of the last few weeks (“Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder where the years have gone. They have all passed under sleep’s dark and silent gate”). Several months into a project manager role for which I am very grateful yet simultaneously not very satisfied by I seem to be having mid-life crisis issues hitting me at the same time as my ACL rehab (“Oh God, this is some shape I’m in”). So besides being very depressed about not running and missing Boston again this year because of screwing up my knee I can’t seem to escape some of these feelings I am having that are telling me that I am a very disappointing underachiever (“who started out so young and strong only to surrender”).

Unfortunately, these feelings seem to be at odds with 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, “Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Ironically, I felt the Lord gave me this verse to reflect on just a couple of weeks before I tore up my knee! Although old Jackson Browne sometimes does help me get in touch with some of my darker feelings that I might otherwise be suppressing, the downside of too big a dose of Mr. Browne is that it can lead me quickly down a path of wallowing. As I have been thinking about this little fact the last couple of days while, mind you, enjoying “The Pretender” cover to cover a few times, I came across a verse in my Bible this morning as I have been starting my way through Mark. Jesus said, “Take care what you listen to.”

I think maybe I will put away “The Pretender” for a while and focus on other messages.

“Are you there? Say a prayer for the pretender.”

“Take my hand and lead me to the hole in your garden wall and pull me through.”

Beginning a Comeback?

Today the ACL rehab really began for me, finally. I have been in PT for 5 weeks now, religiously doing my stretches and my exercises to try to regain flexibility and strength in the joint, but all the time since that fateful basketball game on January 26 the cardiovascular engine that I have been building and tuning up for several years has been wasting away from disuse. But tonight Kay and I and the younger boys went to the gym and spent an hour in the pool. I spent probably 30 minutes of that doing real cardio activity, swimming laps, something I generally hate to do, but it got my heart beating and my lungs blowing, and that felt like a million bucks. The epithet that Luke and Tim gave me about my swimming, “leg dragger,” reflects how poorly I do it, but at least tonight it was good to feel that wholesome out-of-breath feeling. My knee did pretty well! I intentionally tried to keep it fairly straight and kick from my hips, which is better form anyway as I understand it, and it worked pretty well. I think the plan now will be to try to get a swim in at least three or four times a week at least until I can start “jogging” again. Of course, probably even when I can start “jogging” I won’t be able to put enough stress on my cardio system to do any good. I may have to keep swimming for a while and overlap that with the beginning phase of my running recovery. But at least it feels like the beginning of a comeback.